“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cry. ‘Let’s do the f***ing news,’ she declared.” — The Independent
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TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, NEW EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: ANIMAL BALANCE NEWS
NEWS TEAM,
ANIMAL WRITE LETTER. CORPORATE ASK FOR CALM HR MEMO. ANIMAL DROP TRUTH BOMB. NEWS WEAK. NEWS SHIVER IN FEAR. TOO MUCH THINK. TOO MUCH WOKE. NEWS NEED DRUM SMASH TO FACE. ANIMAL SEE THIS. ANIMAL FEEL THIS.
WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. EVEN WHEN ONE SIDE THINK HEAD MEDS MAKE QUIET BABIES.
AAAGGGHHH!
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EDITORIAL EXAMPLES
STORY: CONGRESS FIGHTING
OLD WAY: PANEL TALK, PUNDITS DISAGREE. BOOORING.
ANIMAL WAY: GIVE PANEL CYMBAL HATS. HIT CYMBAL FOR EVERY LIE. HIT CYMBAL WHEN PERSON SAY TRUTH. BOTH SIDES HEARD. IF PANEL TOO POLITE, RELEASE RABID HOUNDS. AUDIENCE GLUED TO PHONES FOR TIKTOK REACTS. HOUND STORY TRENDING. PANEL MAIMED BUT RELEVANT. PROBLEM SOLVED.
STORY: BILLIONAIRE GO TO SPACE
OLD WAY: COUNTDOWN, CELEBS WITH BOTOX, FACES DEFY GRAVITY.
ANIMAL WAY: STRAP BILLIONAIRE TO SNARE DRUM. HIT SNARE UNTIL ORBIT ACHIEVED. ASK, “HOW FEEL TO LEAVE EARTH YOU RUIN?” BILLIONAIRE CRY, FLOAT FOREVER. “BOTH SIDES,” ANIMAL SAY, “EARTH AND VOID.” ANIMAL ALSO CRY BUT STAY ON GROUND. BOTH SIDES OF HUMANITY. BEAUTIFUL. RIMSHOT.
STORY: CLIMATE HOTTER
OLD WAY: GRAPHICS, CHARTS, AL GORE. ANIMAL SNOOZE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
ANIMAL WAY: SEAL WINDOWS. LOCK DOORS. LIGHT DRUM KIT ON FIRE. SCREAM “CLIMATE HOT!” THEN INTERVIEW FACEBOOK MAN WHO SAY, “NO, CLIMATE COLD; DRINK ICE WATER TO PREVENT SUNBURN.” VIEWERS CONFUSED BUT ENGAGED AND CLICKING, CLICKING, ALWAYS CLICKING. AD REVENUE UP. ICE CAPS DOWN. BALANCE!
STORY: ORANGE MAN LIE AGAIN
OLD WAY: “CRITICS SAY STATEMENT MAY BE MISLEADING.”
ANIMAL WAY: HIT KICK DRUM, YELL “LIE!” HIT TAMBOURINE, WHISPER “but other side lie too” IN SOFTEST MIKE JOHNSON VOICE. THROW DRUM KIT THROUGH WINDOW. WATCH COUNTRY BURN. START OVER!
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REMEMBER: WE NOT BREAK NEWS. WE POUND NEWS LIKE BONGOS UNTIL NEWS BREAK ITSELF.
AND ANIMAL KNOW, SOME SAY ANIMAL TOO LOUD. SOME SAY ANIMAL GIANT HACK. SOME SAY ANIMAL CANNOT READ. ANIMAL SAY: “CORRECT.” BUT ALSO: “ANIMAL HAS THOSE LARRY ELLISON DOLLARS. YOU IN ANIMAL’S WORLD NOW.”
SO, IN CONCLUSION, AAAAGGGHHHH!
RESPECTFULLY YOURS,
ANIMAL
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
