OSLO – Today the Nobel committee announced that they have awarded this year’s prize in Physiology or Medicine to everyone who works as an administrator in a hospital for breakthroughs in surliness and generally being unhelpful.
“This marks the first time that a Nobel Prize has been awarded to everyone who works a particular job, and we could not think of a profession more deserving of this honour,” read the press release. The committee goes on to say that administrators’ tireless efforts to impede patient care through general surliness, apathy, and rigorous enforcement of arbitrary bureaucratic protocols designed mainly to protect themselves and hospital executives from the lawsuits that directly result from their own interference has gone unrecognized for far too long given how their work shapes the medical care that every patient receives.
Shayna Paul, who works in the legal department at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, appeared nonplussed. “What do you want? Huh? No. Shut up,” she said before abruptly hanging up when asked how the prize changes her life. An auto-reply email from Jacob Samaras, who works in human resources at St Paul’s Hospital in Vancouver, said he is out of office and will return when he feels like it. No other recipient could be reached for comment, despite multiple calls and emails during normal working hours.
Dr. Genette Brandt, a neurologist at Halifax’s Victoria General Hospital, who spoke on the phone while performing a novel brain surgery to remove a tumor previously considered fatal, was incensed by the Nobel Committee’s decision. “This year’s prize is patently ridiculous. The recipients have no medical expertise. They offer nothing of value to the practice of medicine. I will not rest until the prize is awarded to hospital CEOs. They are the true heroes, and the fact that the medical community continues to ignore their contributions is sickening.”
In celebration of the prize, hospitals worldwide announced that all administrative staff will be given the week off. Doctors have already reported improvements to efficiency and patient satisfaction.
