We’ve all dreamt it, but how do you achieve it? If you want “The Impaler” to posthumously be added to your name by historians or terrified townsfolk, you’re going to have to put in the work. Here are five things you’re going to need to do.
1. Do a LOT of impaling
Maybe this one is obvious, but that doesn’t make it any less true. If you’re going to have “The Impaler” added to your name on your Wikipedia page after your death, you’re going to need to start impaling NOW and never stop. “But if I impale people I’m going to get thrown in prison…” Look, if that’s your attitude, you’d better be fine with having “The Coward” posthumously added to your name instead of “The Impaler.” There’s a reason not everyone gets there.
2. Rule over Wallachia with an iron fist
Yep, this is a tough one. Most people don’t even know what constitutes Wallachia, much less how to become its Voivode. But if your dream is to be referred to as “Travis the Impaler” or “Margaret the Impaler” by anyone who mentions you in 200 years, it’s just something you’re going to have to do. Keep the Ottomans out. Slaughter countless Turks. Let tales of your unbridled cruelty inspire bestselling books in German-speaking territories. This is the path you must take.
3. Inspire the myth of Dracula
“But the myth of Dracula already exists.” Too bad. Do it again. A new Dracula. A better Dracula. Dracula 2. They don’t just hand out “The Impaler” to everyone who wants it down at the DMV when you renew your driver’s license. It’s a posthumous nickname that must be earned the old fashioned way: by inspiring the myth of a monster.
4. Develop haemolacria, a rare condition where your tears are partially composed of blood
What, you don’t know how to cry blood? Well, then maybe a legacy of having one of the coolest, most brutal, most memorable posthumous nicknames ever isn’t for you. If you want to create a real legacy, the kind that will send chills through the bloodline of anyone who opposed your rule for millennia, you’re going to have to earn it through blood, sweat, and bloody tears.
5. Study hard
The most important step in achieving your goal of forever being known as “The Impaler” after your death may not be the sexiest, but it’s the most important. You’re going to have to crack open those textbooks and study hard. European History. Warfare. Impaling Techniques. Burning the midnight oil with your nose in a book may not be how you envision working your way towards achieving greatness, nickname-wise, but you’re going to have to suck it up, skip those parties, and build a brain that’s ready to impale. Will you make it there? Only time will tell.
