“Trump introduced a new idea to tackle home affordability: a 50-year mortgage loan. Federal Housing Finance Agency Director Bill Pulte called the proposal “a complete game changer.” … but many housing experts warn the plan could backfire, raising the cost of homeownership by stretching out payments, adding more interest over time, and driving up home prices.” — CNN
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Q: What is a 100-year mortgage loan?
A: We offer the flexibility of financing your new home over an entire century, theoretically lowering your payments as the loan is spread out over a longer period of time.
Q: Who is this loan for?
A: Everyone. But especially immortal wizards and vampires; people who think “100” sounds like a nice round number; and us, your lender, who will be collecting interest on this loan until you turn to dust.
Q: Does this actually save me any money?
A: It absolutely might.
Q: Can you give an example?
A: With a $400,000 30-year mortgage at 6.5 percent, your principal and interest payment is $2528.27, and over the life of the loan, you pay over $500,000 just in interest. Now, let’s say we take that same loan at 6.5 percent over 100 years. Your principal and interest is $2169.99–a savings—and all you have to do is pay $2.2 million in interest over the life of the loan.
Q: So, the interest rate would be the same on the 100-year mortgage as it is on a 30-year mortgage?
A: No. Because it’s a longer-term—and therefore riskier—loan, the interest rate on the 100-year mortgage is higher. If the rate were, say, 7.5 percent instead, your principal and interest on the 100-year mortgage would increase to $2,501.42, which is still technically a monthly savings.
Q: What is the rate on the 100-year mortgage, then?
A: We can’t give specifics without a credit score and a signed NDA, but it’ll be somewhere between the rate on a T.J.Maxx credit card and the rate of one of those Western Sky payday loans (RIP), where they warned you in the commercials that the money was expensive.
Q: Can I buy my rate down?
A: We offer a unique program where, in exchange for a slightly lower interest rate, you can sign up for the ever-present threat of henchmen showing up to break your legs if you miss a payment.
Q: When will I own my home outright?
A: With the average age of a first-time homebuyer now being forty, we encourage homebuyers to reframe their goal as seeing if they can survive at least half the full term. Alternatively, after retirement, you can refinance into a reverse mortgage. It’s like Dominic Toretto doing a sick handbrake turn and spinning his Charger around on the highway without making any real directional progress.
Q: Will I build equity in my home?
A: You’ll build equity much more slowly than you would with a traditional loan due to the massive amount of interest you pay each month, but it adds up. For example, after thirty years, you may have enough equity in your home to buy one dinner off the Applebee’s value menu. (Be sure to ask about our home equity loans.)
Q: Should I just keep renting?
A: Why keep throwing your money away on rent when you can feel like an actual adult by throwing your money away on a century-long loan you’ll never repay? As a bonus, you’ll be 100 percent responsible for any repairs to your appliances.
Q: Will my children or grandchildren have to keep paying this loan after I’m dead?
A: Yes, if they want to keep the house, and you had them co-sign with you as we recommend you do. Also, if you took the henchmen incentive for a lower rate.
Q: What other differences are there between the 100-year mortgage and a traditional mortgage?
A: Most lenders utilize current technology like DocuSign to streamline paperwork, but the 100-year mortgage requires all disclosures to be signed in person and in blood, in the inner sanctum of a participating satanic temple or abandoned Countrywide Financial building.
Q: Is there anything else I should know about the 100-year mortgage?
A: The 100-year mortgage is like your parents’ sex life, the environmental impact of AI, and relationship updates about teenage TikTok celebrities: The less you know about it, the better it will be for your sanity.
