Gather round, fellow diners, and feast your eyes upon the meal that sits before me, for I have ascended to a new level of gastronomy. As you gape in awe at my order, I welcome you with open arms as an acolyte ready to worship at the altar of my culinary majesty.
For I, your friend and newly anointed food deity, have forgone the customary side order of french fries and instead ordered a side salad.
You wonder whether the whispers of the personal trainer I often speak of factored into my decision to replace the beloved yet calorie-rich french fry with a bowl of spring mix bathed in balsamic vinaigrette. They did not. Rather, after being yelled at while sweat poured from every pore in my body for an hour straight this morning, I am more than deserving of a serious carb load. Yet willpower is a formidable tool in my belt of dietary supremacy, and, as such, this mélange of leafy greens graces my plate.
Fear not, dear eaters, for judgment shall not be passed at this table. While I ordered first, providing you with every chance to follow my lead, I am aware that the seductive song of deep-fried shoestring-cut potatoes topped with shaved parmesan and accompanied by truffle aioli is difficult to ignore, and not all of us are gifted with the mental fortitude to withstand it.
Also, who are you kidding? You’re not going to eat all those fries, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help out and take a few off your plate?
Before we dig in, let’s all take a moment for the obligatory food shot. As the line assembles to capture my meal, in addition to the macro shots of the beets and crispy shallots atop the greenery, I urge you to take a wide shot, for the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That’s right. In the absence of fries, there is not one salad before me, but two, as my bacon cheeseburger, stacked high with lettuce, tomato, onion, and extra pickles, is what I, your foodie idol, refer to as a “salad on a bun.”
Rest assured, I’ll be sure to tag you before my photograph ventures into the social stratosphere so that you can be regaled by the reach of my influence and grasp the magnitude of the side salad.
Now, go ahead and take a bite. As it washes over your palate, so does a hurricane of emotions stirred up by order envy, and you begin to question your life choices, starting with this meal. Yes, the combination of flavors is exquisite, but in an hour’s time, will you have room for dessert or the energy to walk home?
I, on the other hand, have moved past consuming food as a simple means of sustenance. It is now an experience that elevates me mentally and physically. The goodwill of my fellow diners, coupled with the abundance of chlorophyll and enzymes in my dual-salad meal, primes my digestive system to break down whatever I feed it, providing ample room for yet another beer.
Buoyed by order pride and the fermented hops and barley, I lecture to all within earshot from atop my soapbox about the food choices that shape our lives. Yes, your ears do not deceive you. I have evoked the human collective in our pursuit of the basic pleasure derived from a good meal like the one I am about to indulge in.
So join me, fellow foodies. It’s not too late to follow in my footsteps. To learn how to place an order that makes a good impression and is hailed by all as a wise decision, yet is nothing more than a clever ploy designed to mask other not-so-wise choices.
Speaking of, another beer, garçon.
