Have you thought to yourself, “I wonder what’s at the bottom of that huge fucking pit?” Probably not, considering we’re located twenty-seven miles down a dirt road. Welcome to Serenity Oasis Quarry and Mineral Mine.
Straddling the border of Kansas and Missouri, this natural wonder was birthed into existence when prospectors en route to California lost steam and decided to blast a giant hole in the ground they were already on to see if there was any mineral of literally any value. There wasn’t.
We’re so happy to have you here.
To enter the quarry, take the stairs. All 576 of them. They’re wooden, so if it rained recently, they’ll be slippery. If it hasn’t rained, they’ll still be slippery. Discretion is advised. Cleats recommended. Hard hats required. Admittance: $10.
There is also an elevator, but it’s a dumbwaiter pulley system from 1952, run by Quarry Dan. He’s the strongest man this side of the Mississippi when it comes to operating a dumbwaiter pulley system from 1952, but he takes a lot of smoke breaks, so service is sporadic.
Beware of bats. Especially at 9 a.m. What’s the opposite of nocturnal? That’s what the quarry bats are.
Nestled in the heart of the quarry pit is a natural, man-made lake. We refill it daily with a garden hose. No diving. Some swimming. Quarry Dan flicks his cigarette butts into the lake.
Several deer fell into the quarry back in 2006, and have flourished in isolation. We’re a registered deer sanctuary depending on if the deer are on the Missouri or Kansas side of the quarry. We’re certified in Missouri; Kansas certification pending indefinitely.
A middle school nurse will check you for ticks on your way out of the quarry. If you slip and fall down all 576 steps, she’ll give you an ice pack and call your mom.
On the southern wall of the quarry lies an interactive mining exhibit. Grab your pickax (they come in XL, hot pink, and child-size) and get whacking. We’re really hoping someone finds something that’s not granite. Remember, it’s not child labor if you’re paying us to use our pickaxes.
Your pockets and bags will be searched upon departure to ensure you’re taking rocks with you. There’s so much fucking granite down here. Do you need new countertops? Rocks make memorable keepsakes and souvenirs for the whole family. However, in the unlikely event that you find gold, that belongs to us.
Do bring:
- Sunscreen (the granite amplifies the UV rays, and also men named Ray)
- Water (our water is not safe to drink, unless you want to flirt with Legionnaires’ disease)
- Credit card (please note: We don’t take Discover)
Don’t bring:
- Venison (it’s insensitive to the deer)
- Gluten (Quarry Dan has a sensitivity)
- Discover credit cards (see above)
You must register in advance for a permit to camp in the quarry. There is a strict 10 p.m. curfew. The deer are completely desensitized to humans and will try to join you in your tent. Don’t let them. They have Lyme and also halitosis.
We don’t believe in lifeguards. Please guard your own life.
Do not stare at Quarry Dan’s webbed feet. He is very self-conscious.
You must be vaccinated against polio to go into the mine. Down there, it’s still 1889.
We can’t wait to host you and your gorgeous, wet, pickax-wielding families down in the quarry pit for one hot, sweaty, sticky, rocky, unforgettable afternoon.
