Thank you for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS, an available cat with Furrever Rescue. Furrever Rescue currently has over a hundred cats that desperately need forever homes. But it’s important to us that CHICKEN FINGERS gets adopted into the purr-fect family, so please fill out this questionnaire to make sure you two are the purr-fect match.
1. List your name, your age, your occupation, and your Social Security number.
2. Who else lives in your home? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers.
3. Do you have friends or family who come to your house regularly and may interact with CHICKEN FINGERS? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers.
4. Would CHICKEN FINGERS be an indoor-only or indoor-outdoor cat? If indoor-only, are you willing to cater every room in your home to CHICKEN FINGERS’s specific needs? If indoor-outdoor, go to hell.
5. Please explain why you’re interested in adopting CHICKEN FINGERS over one of our other cats. Is it for superficial reasons, such as CHICKEN FINGERS’s perceived cuteness?
6. Do you have other pets in the home? Please list the type of pet, their age, temperament, and their Social Security numbers.
7. If CHICKEN FINGERS did not get along with your existing pets, would you be willing to rehome your other pets?
8. What pets have you had in the past, and what happened to them? Write at least five hundred words about the traumatic death of your childhood pet.
9. If CHICKEN FINGERS were to fall ill, do you have sufficient equity in your home to take out a second mortgage to pay vet bills? Furrever Rescue reserves the right to order a home appraisal at your expense. (Note: Renters, you are not the right fit for CHICKEN FINGERS.)
10. How many hours per week would CHICKEN FINGERS be left unsupervised?
11. On a scale of 1–10, how guilty would you feel leaving CHICKEN FINGERS alone, with “1” being no guilt because you are a sadistic jerk who hates CHICKEN FINGERS and wants him to be sad, and “10” being so guilty that you could barely stand to live with yourself except that CHICKEN FINGERS is your only purpose for living.
12. If CHICKEN FINGERS decided that he wanted to go to college, would you support that decision emotionally and financially? (Note: If you don’t believe cats deserve a liberal arts education, you are not the right fit for CHICKEN FINGERS.)
13. Would you pressure CHICKEN FINGERS to go to a state school, even if an out-of-state school had a stronger program in his selected discipline?
14. CHICKEN FINGERS is a four on the Enneagram. What is your Enneagram type? Address how compatible you believe it is with CHICKEN FINGERS in at least five hundred words.
15. Do you have a regular veterinarian?
16. Would you be willing, if you had exhausted your new home equity line of credit, to perform sexual favors for your veterinarian in exchange for CHICKEN FINGERS’s well-being?
17. Are you willing to house, clothe, and feed a volunteer from Furrrever Rescue for thirty days while we conduct a home study to ensure your home is the best fit for CHICKEN FINGERS? (Note: Our volunteer will dress and behave as a cat during the process.)
18. CHICKEN FINGERS is bonded with another cat, CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS is a charming twenty-pound Maine Coon mix who hates children and adults, has moderate-to-severe bowel incontinence, and only eats sushi-grade tuna. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS and CHICKEN FINGERS must be adopted together, no exceptions. There is an additional $200 adoption fee for CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS.
19. Would you be willing to kill for CHICKEN FINGERS and CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS?
20. List the names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers of the people you would be willing to murder in cold blood for CHICKEN FINGERS and CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS.
Thank you again for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS. If we determine that you may be a good fit, we will contact you within six months to schedule an all-day, in-person panel interview. Please prepare an interactive PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should select you. And bring a laser pointer; it’s CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS’s favorite toy and, trust us, you do not want to disappoint him.
