Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen

PITTSBURGH—Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he’d seen. “Aaron’s always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel like it’s something I’ve heard the Geico lizard say on TV,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf told reporters, citing a recent incident in which Rodgers gathered his teammates for a pregame meeting to passionately urge them all to “obey [their] thirst,” at one point pausing mid-sentence to absentmindedly mutter, “Liberty Biberty.” “Like, we were in a huddle during the Colts game, and he told us all that there’s never been a better time to lock in a deal on a new Chevy. And while we were trying to figure out what exactly he meant by that, he got all riled up about how, as a team, we need a polyurethane deck sealant that stands up to tough weather conditions. Then we got a delay of game penalty.” At press time, Rodgers had barged into general manager Omar Khan’s office to demand that Metcalf be traded for Chester Cheetah.