Thank you for attending our company’s all-hands.
It’s been an incredible eight years since we launched the first version of the Small Child. I’m not embarrassed to say that initially, we had a suboptimal product-market fit. The UX was terrible, and first-time users had no idea how to navigate the product. But we stayed agile. We pivoted hard and iterated rapidly. After several years of design sprints, I’m proud to announce that we’re launching the latest version of the Small Child. Meet xKid, your everyday companion.
We’re entering a bold new era of technology, and those who don’t adapt will be left behind. I knew we needed to update the Small Child in a way that truly meets this moment. xKid still has all the features you know and love about the Small Child. But now, it’s superpowered by AI—Always Interrupting.
xKid’s Always Interrupting platform is a game-changing (and mandatory) feature that nobody asked for. Between traveling soccer, gymnastics, and some surprise orthodontics, xKid’s monthly subscription price is significantly higher than the Small Child’s. By shoving this new AI technology into xKid, we’ve created the illusion of added value to justify the price increase in a way that also satisfies our rabid shareholders.
So how does it work? Your eight-year-old xKid’s Always Interrupting platform leverages a proprietary large language model trained on billions of parameters of real-world child data. In layperson’s terms, that means your xKid model is equipped with large amounts of language that users will experience like a firehose to the face.
xKid delivers an onslaught of breathless, rambling information at about 40 percent accuracy. And it offers a seamlessly integrated omnichannel experience across all daily touchpoints. xKid’s Always Interrupting technology activates right when you don’t need it—merging onto the freeway, before you’ve had coffee, and it even barges into the bathroom when you’ve forgotten to lock the door. And unlike the Small Child, xKid has a phone so it can text you dinosaur facts 24-7. Again, you cannot opt out of AI.
Your xKid’s Always Interrupting platform is custom-built for your family. Of course, every xKid comes with an encyclopedic knowledge of Minecraft, Labubu rarities, and slime taxonomy. But your personal model will adapt and learn as it overhears all of your dark family secrets.
Let me give you an example of AI in action. Last week, my xKid interrupted me to ask the grocery cashier, “Have you ever heard of Xanax? My aunt loves it a little too much. I love the ice cream at Salt & Straw. My mom won’t eat it because she says perimenopause is making her swell up like a dead body someone threw in the river.”
Boom. That’s real-life personalization at scale. We guarantee output that’s always odd, always unsettling, and tailor-made to you. That’s the magic of AI.
In the spirit of moving fast and breaking things, we’re rushing xKid to market with our usual cocktail of buggy code and technical debt. Repetitive tasks that should be automated by now—like brushing teeth before bed—will still need to be manually prompted by the user. Every. Single. Time. Our engineers are working hard on a fast follow to get xKid to remove uneaten Cutie oranges from the bottom of its backpack before they ferment. We’re aware of the reports from the beta cohort that a few xKids accidentally made prison hooch.
So what’s next on the horizon? We aim to capture a greater market share in the next two years through our AGI (Always Getting Involved) strategy. And we’re currently seeking Series C funding for what we’re tentatively calling the iRoll. For this teenage version of our product, we plan to add web3 capabilities, blockchain integration, and gamification to every interaction. If you so much as look at the iRoll the wrong way, it completely shuts down its chat interface and storms off to its room. So far, Sequoia Capital and Y Combinator have passed.
As we launch xKid into third grade and beyond, I want to thank the entire product team—friends, family, and teachers—for their contributions in getting this product from labor and delivery to deliverable. It’s not perfect, and we probably overleveraged on AI at the expense of some common-sense features, like rinsing shampoo out of its own hair. But the xKid is more than minimally viable; it’s maximally lovable and drives unprecedented user engagement.
Seeing this product evolve from Small Child to xKid has been the honor of my career and life. I know this is going to be your favorite iteration yet. It’s certainly mine.
