“The Trump administration is considering taking stakes in defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin Corp, U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick said on Tuesday as he defended President Donald Trump’s push for a greater government role in American business.” —Reuters
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Wake up, America. It’s Dunkin’. History is happening, and it smells like scalding hot hazelnut pumped into your nostrils with the force of pure freedom.
While you were blinking at your phones, the US federal government acquired a 60 percent majority stake in a goddamn donut chain. Uncle Sam is now the de facto barista of the republic. This Department of Diabetes is a public utility, and it’s time to make the people’s donuts, you ridiculous monkey-see-monkey-do rubes, courtesy a modest cut from every one of your feeble little paychecks.
Do you like liberty, you java-slugging, slack-jawed herd of half-awake hobgoblins? Do you like iced caramel swirls so sweet they make the dentist you can’t afford cry? No? Tough shit, dough balls, because Dunkin’ is the coffee now. The only coffee. Nationalized beans. Federally tilled fields. And all of it running through your clogged, brittle veins like a dark-roasted firehose of unfiltered patriotism.
You think you can hide in your sad little homes? WRONG. The US Treasury just kicked down your door and shoved a hot, steaming regulah into your soft baby hands. You will drink it. You will salute the donut flag. And then you will say “please” and “thank you” for the Turbo Shot upcharge because we are the only joe in town, and you will learn to love it more than your children—who also drink coffee now. Don’t worry, it’s safe. The AI chatworm advising Health and Human Services said caffeine cures autism.
No, this is not a drill. We are pumping coffee into the reservoirs. We will hose down protestors with icy Coolatta cannons. You thought the post office was essential? You thought infrastructure mattered? Wrong again, you collective pile of cream-filled goober garbage. Dunkin’ is the artery of America, and you are no more than a cappuccino-sipping capillary cog in the coffee machine.
DD Perks accounts are no longer a suggestion. Loyalty programs mean citizenship. Forgot to scan? Enjoy your exile from any semblance of a retirement, you traitorous iced-latte dissident dum-dums. Every Munchkin you stuff in your cry-holes funds the nation’s shock-and-awe sprinkle budget. Inflation isn’t just canceled, it’s decaffeinated.
And don’t you dare order Starbucks. Don’t even whisper it, you dirty little flat-white fuckballs. That’s TREASON. We will waterboard you with whipped almond milk until you confess. And then, you sad sorry sacks of everything-bagel seasoning, you will choke it all down with a smile.
It’s time to line up, lemmings. This is the future. Descend graciously into the donut mines and get your sorry asses to work. Don’t like it? Get out. Go to Canada and drink the Tim Horton’s swill that’s been softening teeth and their will since 1964.
Today America runs on Dunkin’, dickwads. Smile, sip, and salute.
