DHS Offers $1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct

WASHINGTON—In an ambitious new effort targeting undocumented immigrants, the Department of Homeland Security announced this week that it would begin offering a $1,000 stipend to migrants who voluntarily self-destruct. “If you are here illegally, the easiest, most cost-effective way to avoid arrest is by downloading the Customs and Border Patrol app, pressing the red button, and—after the the 10-second countdown—exploding,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who explained that since it costs far more than $1,000 on average for Immigration and Customs Enforcement to hunt down and demolish a single migrant, noncitizens who blow themselves up will save American taxpayers billions of dollars. “For those without legal status, self-destruction is fast, discreet, and puts you in control of your own splattering. All we need from eligible illegal aliens is photographic proof of your blood and viscera on the ground, along with your routing number, and we’ll deposit $1,000 directly into your bank account, no questions asked.” At press time, DHS was facing backlash after widespread reports that it had failed to pay the $1,000 promised to any of the migrants who self-detonated.