God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. “How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas?” the Creator of All Things said as He repeatedly counted the remaining great apes from a cloud but failed to reach a total that made any sense to Him. “Where the hell did they all go? Did I put some in South America by mistake? This is so weird—I thought I created billions of those fuckers.” After tiring of His search, God concluded that most of the gorillas down there probably just evolved into guys.