No, of course we appreciate the gesture. It’s just that, well, this menu is a little inconsiderate. Sure, all these loaves of bread, that’s very impressive, coming out of thin air and whatnot. The thing is, though, we’re gluten free.
Before you ask, no, this isn’t a Celiac thing. This is about respecting our gut microbes. Given how bloated some of the apostles are, you guys should give it a try. Go thirty days without gluten, and you’ll see the light, we swear.
We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. “Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,” they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors.
I know we’re poor desert people, but we care about what goes into our bodies. I guess that’s more than you can say. It’s like you’ve never heard of the glycemic index.
Is it so much to ask for a gluten-free banquet? How about some fresh fruits and vegetables, or grass-fed beef and organic kefir? We’ve been really into kefir lately. Why don’t you conjure up some local honey to pair with our kefir? Or, for a real miracle, you could make gluten-free pizza that actually tastes good.
Why do you think we had only five loaves to begin with? Because most of us have the good sense to avoid that kind of processed crap. We actually care about our blood sugar levels, unlike your crew.
Five thousand hungry souls and what do you come up with? Basket after basket of inflammatory, indigestible garbage. Empty carbs for empty stomachs, how generous.
Honestly, we were worried something like this might happen. Health isn’t exactly a priority for your movement. We heard all about your booze cruise over in Cana. Newsflash, buddy: Alcohol is literally poison. When someone tries to hydrate, don’t swoop in and turn their water into cabernet sauvignon.
And these fish, don’t get me started. Yes, they have protein. Omega-3 fatty acids, that’s great. But what about sustainability? Do you know how many toxins are found in seafood? You might as well feed us spoonfuls of mercury.
Next time you whip up some magic meal, Christ, put a little more thought into what goes on the plate.
