MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt

CHICAGO—In effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur ‘genius grant’ was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention of the eatin’ shirt, a big ol’ shirt he puts on before supper so his good shirt doesn’t get all dirty. “All these stains you see here on my eatin’ shirt are stains that would’ve otherwise ruined my nice shirt,” a humble, marinara-stained Huggins said as he formally accepted the $800,000 prize for the soiled, oversized T-shirt that has, in the MacArthur Foundation’s words, “pushed forward what was thought possible in the ever-evolving field of eatin’ garb.” “When I first realized I could put on my big comfy shirt while havin’ a sloppy lunch, I didn’t aim to be some kind of mental giant, honest. All I was thinkin’ was that there had to be a better way for people like me to eat a meatball sub on the couch without worryin’ about spillin’ on their church button-down. This generous grant will allow me not only to buy another eatin’ shirt for when my first eatin’ shirt is in the wash, but also to invest in a ladies’ eatin’ shirt for my beautiful, supportive wife.” At the conclusion of his remarks, Huggins vowed to use a majority of the funds to research and develop a prototype for eatin’ pants.