Hello, New Yorkers. Former mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo here. I want to offer my sincere congratulations to Zohran Mamdani on his victory. I wish Mayor Mamdani nothing but success as he serves the greatest city in the world. I’d also like to thank my supporters, who stood by me at every turn throughout my campaign. I may have lost this election, but my job is far, far from over. In fact, my real work has just begun: Mayor or not, I am going to grope the 40% of New Yorkers who voted for me.
Cuomo voters, when I grope you, you will know your ballot was not cast in vain. And I’m coming to grope you all right now.
That over 854,000 of you voted for me, ‘The Touchler,’ as I become known to those I grope, is an honor. I do not take your endorsement lightly. You looked at the facts, you heard about all the touching I did in Albany, and you believed I was the best candidate to run New York City. Though I will not have the privilege of being your mayor, please, please know this: The next time you feel a hand on your breasts, buttocks, or the very lowest part of your lower back, it will be my hand. And that is a promise. The Touchler’s Graze is nigh, Cuomo voters.
Let me be clear: The more inappropriately I touch, the more Cuomo I become. I made a promise to my voters that I intend to keep, mayor or not.
What is the lifeblood of New York City? It’s New Yorkers themselves. The people who call this city home. Specifically, their chests. And also their anuses. And lower backs. The diversity of lower backs in this city is truly second to none. Walk down one block in New York, and you will see lower backs of countless different ethnicities, classes, religions, and degrees of softness. You’d need a thousand years to inappropriately touch them all. One silver lining of losing to Mr. Mamdani is that I will have so much more free time to grope you, the people who make this city great. If you’re disappointed in this election’s results, know that I will be groping you just as forcibly as if I were New York’s next mayor.
I respect my supporters so much that I will not wash my hands after I grope them. Not even if I hold a subway pole on my way to grope the next nearest Cuomo voter. I want to feel everyone’s grope residue forever.
Words cannot express how much your support has meant to me, so I will simply grope you instead. I’m not going to let my campaign’s defeat stop me from spending the rest of my life touching specific body parts of New Yorkers like you. Nothing can stop that from happening. Ever. Thank you for your vote.
