Panicking NBC Realizes They Left Cris Collinsworth In Broadcast Booth All Offseason

PHILADELPHIA—Rushing into a darkened stadium and dreading what they might discover, NBC Sports producers reportedly panicked Friday upon realizing they had accidentally left analyst Cris Collinsworth in the Sunday Night Football broadcast booth for the entire offseason. “We just assumed he’d gone home after calling the divisional round, but then people at Lincoln Financial Field told us they’d been hearing scratching sounds and a faint voice praising Jalen Hurts’ poise in the pocket,” said NBC spokesperson Allison Carlisle, adding that Collinsworth had survived the past seven months by eating foam off of microphones and drinking half-empty water bottles he found in the trash. “Doesn’t seem like it bothered him, though. When we found him, he was talking to no one in particular about how A.J. Brown is undersized yet isn’t afraid to lower the shoulder. He was gaunt, sitting in his own urine and feces, but instead of asking for food or water, he just turned to us and calmly said, ‘This Eagles O-line is a five-man wrecking crew with a blocking scheme straight out of your nightmares. Good luck lining up against them.’” At press time, producers were said to be quietly discussing whether to just leave him there until the start of the regular season.