By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, Klan members, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, some dudes we don’t know cosplaying as Walker, Texas Ranger—patrolling your city. Maybe even arriving via Blackhawk helicopter.
What do we do out on patrol? We catch bad guys. Also, female grad students who may have written an article that was critical of Israel.
We separate people from their kids. Tackle as many of them as possible. Zip-tie their toddlers and grandparents. And stand around looking tough. We look so tough.
Increasingly, we also really need to take dumps.
Look, there’s no time to dress it up with flowery language.
These are sixteen-, eighteen-, and twenty-hour days spent out in public, on sidewalks, in parking lots, courthouse lobbies, napping in old Mazda 626s, you name it.
It’s a lot of surveillance. A lot of wrestling. A lot of Zyns. A lot of energy drinks. And a lot of Panera and Taco Bell.
But when nature calls, and we walk into a Starbucks, Becky the barista smirks and says there’s a code for the bathroom, but she doesn’t have it.
And then she escalates the hostility. Instead of handing us a beverage with CHARLIE KIRK written on it, we get “Guy who obviously needs to take a shit” scribbled on the cup. Then she bids us adieu.
You have been warned, this day is coming. A day we stop asking if we can befoul your bathroom, and we forcibly start doing our business in there.
If there’s a bathroom code, you’d better have it. Otherwise, everyone in the store gets arrested and deported. It doesn’t matter where you are from.
As far as the US government is concerned, you are antifa.
We are done with all these unacceptable restroom excuses.
“It’s broken.”
“We don’t have one.”
“It’s for employees only.”
Really? Not anymore, hippie. Tell us that, and now, we’ll knock down the bathroom door, run a battery of diagnostic tests on every inch of that toilet, and if there’s so much as an idea of a fart from anyone who was not employed by you for the past six months, we will take over your business. We get 90 percent of your sales, and NO ONE CAN EVER USE THE BATHROOM ANYMORE.
“Sorry, Janet. You’ll just have to hold it, because your boss LIED TO THE GOVERNMENT, and she also got the electric chair, without due process.”
If you have a deli or corner store, you must ensure that the bathroom and the path to it are accessible. We’re not going to be stepping over random cats when a BM is imminent.
From now on, you must thank our guys for dropping deuces in your business.
Have a working sink in there too. Some of us can’t poop in silence. And put a charger in there for our phones too. iPhone and Android. Both. I shouldn’t have to mention this.
Alternatively, if you have a sack with $50,000 in it? Well, maybe then I don’t have to go anymore. I can just walk it off.
