Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges

LONDON—In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. “Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process to revoke his unsupervised access to Crown Ethernet, as well as any and all palace desktop computers,” the royal family’s official statement read in part, confirming that the former prince would no longer be permitted to spend his typical average of six hours a day in online chat rooms or spend any more time in the royal computer lab with the door locked. “Should Mr. Mountbatten Windsor require internet access for emergency purposes, he will be allotted 10 minutes of chaperoned screen time per day. This is not an action His Majesty takes lightly. If Mr. Mountbatten Windsor finds himself bored, there are plenty of books in the palace library to occupy him, and the palace cleaning staff would certainly appreciate his help in the kitchen. Perhaps this might also serve as an opportunity for Mr. Mountbatten Windsor to sit and reflect on his actions and, if he so wishes, draft an apology note, which we would be more than happy to assist him with.” At press time, the former Prince Andrew was spending the night at the King of Spain’s palace to look at child porn on his computer.