BRANDON, MB — A local woman has discovered that her accrued credit in sleepiness does not transfer from her couch to her bed.
Cory Lachlan, 26, made the disturbing discovery when she finally decided to head to bed after getting Netflix’s “Are you still watching?” pop-up for the third time that evening. It was only once she was tucked in all nice and cozy that she learned the harsh truth.
“They say it can’t transfer since I got sleepy in a different geographic region of the apartment,” despairs Lachlan, who lives in a 300 square foot studio. “I tried repeating my work. But once I got to bed, I totally flunked out.”
“Maybe they weren’t impressed by the gap hour I took doomscrolling on my phone.”
With her sleepiness credit unrecognized, Lachlan has been forced to pursue make-up credit in the form of daytime naps during her lunch hour or particularly boring Zoom calls. While the naps seemed beneficial at first, they were no match for the nighttime penalties she incurred for brushing her teeth, putting away her dishes, and the rejected letter of recommendation from her favourite episode of The Office.
Neighbour Natalie Edmonds has experienced similar issues. “Of course they only tell you your credits don’t transfer after you’ve paid for everything,” says Edmonds, referring to the Egyptian cotton sheets, silk sleep mask, and subscription-based sleep app she requires to get even a moment of shut-eye in her thirties.
Researchers have recently discovered a host of things that disappear in the transfer between the couch and bed, including a cat’s willingness to cuddle, a date’s Netflix and chill boner, and the fiver found wedged in the couch cushions because everything is so fucking expensive these days.
At press time, Lachlan was attempting to transfer her will to live from her first sip of morning coffee to everything that happens afterward. It wasn’t going well.
