“A comedy festival in the capital of Saudi Arabia has become a cultural flash point as major comedians face criticism for accepting seemingly lucrative deals to perform in a country that was virtually impossible to visit until 2019 and a pariah in much of the West for its human rights record.” — NBC News
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Listen, I understand your arguments against appearing in this comedy festival, but I am going to entertain the citizens of Mordor despite the actions of their leader, Sauron, and those associated with him.
So many have come to me saying I can’t perform there because of all the various abuses and war crimes. But doing stand-up for a bunch of orcs and trolls and dark wizards doesn’t mean I endorse that sort of stuff, even though there is a provision in my contract that says I need to endorse that sort of stuff.
Sure, there are the mass killings in Durthang or near the Black Gates. But Sauron is actually trying to modernize Mordor and promote amicable relationships with various other lands, so what’s a little light genocide here and there? That shouldn’t preclude me from getting on stage and telling a few racist and transphobic jokes for a half hour.
I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’m, like, a professional comedian; I speak truth to power. Unless, of course, that ‘power’ is gonna murder me for speaking ‘truth,’ obviously.
Of course I’m well aware that Sauron used dark magic to disperse Barliman Butterbur into microscopic pieces and stored those pieces in a messenger pack, but it’s not like I did that. I’m just trying to entertain the Mordorians with this epic story about getting diarrhea at The Prancing Pony.
Many have even brought up Mordor’s connection to those hijacked eagles that were flown into Minas Morgul and Orthanc all those years ago, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to do my bits about whether women can parallel tether a horse or not.
And I realize I could be arrested, attacked, or even beheaded because I’m a hobbit and Mordor has rabid anti-hobbitism amongst their leaders and society, but whatever, I just won’t mention it. My feet aren’t even that big, and I can downplay my thick Shire accent. I’ll just cut out all the bits about growing up with a hobbit mother—I have material beyond the Rabbit-Stew-Belt one-liners. I’ll be fine, thanks.
So stop giving me such a hard time about performing for a mass murdering, oppressive dark lord. It’s just a gig. If anything, I’m actually acting as a bridge between our two great territories.
Also, they’re paying, like, a ridiculous amount of money. Gotta get that bag, amirite?
