Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV

WASHINGTON—Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans for protecting them from TV. “Thank God we have the GOP to safeguard us from television and all the frightening people on it,” said Seattle resident Eric Torento, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who commended the Republican Party for its steadfast commitment to shielding them from the terrifying stream of colorful pictures and sounds being continually broadcast into the nation’s homes. “I live in constant fear that I might go outside and walk past a TV screen showing sitcoms, news, or mild topical commentary. If it weren’t for President Trump and other Republicans, who knows what milquetoast jokes we might hear? No longer will we have to worry about the scary box.” At press time, the fearful nation urged the GOP to shelter it from any books, radio, digital media, newspapers, or films.